You have a very compelling hook in the first sentance. it is gripping and begs questions. It might even be stronger if the third paragraph were moved up in plece of the second.

You use a lot of run on sentances and comma splices. In a way, it works making things read a little pressured at times, but I think it's over done. (i.e. Para 14 "I could almost handle...") It gets distracting at times.

Longer sentances preceeding short ones tends to add impact. The last sentance has a lot of power and is a great conclusion, but the three short sentances before it diminish it.